Bumper Update

Below is the much anticipated bumper photo. You might want to click on the picture to enlarge it so you get the full effect.

Here is a brief description of each sticker starting from left to right:

1. [Alien inside of New Mexico state symbol] (Roswell, NM). We bought it from a crazy old hippy in Roswell and received a free walk through her homemade alien vortex chamber (a 2 dollar value). This shows our intense love of aliens and the fact we went to New Mexico.

2. [Drunken Hillbilly Rat floating down what we assume is the Yakima River] (Outside Lake Havasu, AZ). When you really think about it aren't we all just Drunken Hillbilly Rats floating down the Yakima River...

3. [Mexican Wrestling mask, with the title El Sancho] (Ensenada, Mexico). This really gets to the heart of Spencer’s two passions in life: The study of the Spanish language and putting a mask on and wrestling strangers. Spencer told me that El Sancho literally translates to: a wrestler of low quality; the kind of guy who wouldn’t know a Mexican arm drag from a Japanese arm drag.

4. [The sticker reads “Flashbacks are all I have to look forward to”] (Lake Havesu, AZ). Shows that all we have to look forward to are our acid flashbacks. This is not only true, but also a direct quote I heard from our guidance counselor, Richard.

5. [Meatloaf] (Ensenada, Mexico). Pretty self-explanatory.

6. [Route 66] (Somewhere in Arizona). Nothing interesting about this sticker.

7. [A coyote standing next to a Joshua Tree] (Joshua Tree National Park, CA). First place we ever experienced acid and the beginning of our uncontrollable upward spiral towards enlightenment/unemployment.

8. [Death Valley] (Death Valley, CA). This was the sticker that started the whole bumper sticker revolution.

9. [Gatorade symbol that says “Radiate the light of Christ”] (Little Caesar’s San Antonio, Texas). This was an attempt to show our love of delicious Gatorade brand sports drink. We were later shocked to discover that it was actually a cleverly disguised piece of rightwing religious propaganda. For the record not once has Jesus quenched my thirst after a big game.

10. [A Texas long horn symbol colored in like the Texas Flag] (Austin, Texas). Hook ‘Em Horns

11. [A disgusting sticker that is just about to fall off that reads “Dirt Logic”] (Esenada, Mexico). You might not believe me, but this one was FREE. All I had to do was pick it off a dirty old unflushed toilet in Mexico. Sweet deal! It signifies my love of the movie Joe Dirt and the fact that I have almost no regard for personal hygiene.

12. [Mario style mushrooms that says 1-up] (Ensenada, Mexico). We like mushrooms; that’s cool, right guys???

13. [A blue and yellow sticker that reads “I’d rather be swimmin’, with bare naked women!”] (Cabazon, CA). I bought this for Spencer; in exchange he promised to stop telling me that he would rather be swimmin’ with bare naked women.

14. [Amador Bail Bonds “Came on Vacation, Stuck on Probation”] (Roswell, NM). This was purchased for practical use. You never know when you are gonna need a good bonds man. This was reinforced by the fact that our last vacation together did end with us both on probation. Thanks again Chelan County District Court.

15. [Says Gila Cliff Dwellings and has a picture of a cliff dwelling] (Gila Cliff Dwellings, NM). We went there.

16. and 17. [16. A stick figure of a man in a wheel chair getting a blowjob. 17. The universal Anti symbol.] (Roswell, NM). The crown jewel of our collection was created by combining two stickers. The end result is us finally taking the strong stand that, “you know what, maybe we don’t really want a guy in a wheelchair getting his dick sucked. Maybe we might just do anything in our power to stop it from happening.”

RoadTrippin Map Update 2

Thought I better update the map so you have some concept of where we are right now. We spent last night in Morgan City, LA. It was a pretty standard roadtrippin night (we snuck tall boys of Keystone Light into the late showing of "Wild Hogs"). Right now we're just about to head off for New Orleans. The plan is to hang out there through this weekend and check out Jazz Fest. I heard from a very unrealiable source (my dad) that more people actually come to Jazz fest than Mardi Gras so it should be a pretty exciting weekend.

Comedy Countdown #12: Norm MacDonald

If this was an overall just being funny competition, not stand-up comedy based, Norm MacDonald would have certainly been in the top 3. Despite the fact that pretty much everything he has ever done in his career has been a complete failure in the conventional sense (lost money and almost immediately cancelled) we’ve both loved everything he has ever done. We both first fell in love with Norm's antics when he was the host of Weekend update on Saturday Night Live (fired for by NBC execs for “being completely not funny”). After that Norm wrote and starred in one of the funniest movies this world has ever experienced “Dirty Work” (Universally panned by critics and bombed at the box office). The next step was writing and starring in his own sitcom, “The Norm Show”. In our humble opinion this was the funniest sitcom of it’s era (sadly cancelled after only 2 ½ seasons). That wasn’t all though, he also co-starred with Dave Chappell in the movie “Screwed” and has appeared in around 9 movies staring Rob Schneider. I have no idea what Norm did for the rest of the late nineties and early 00’s, besides those Schneider cameos, but now he is back on the scene with a new sketch comedy CD called “Ridiculous”. I very strongly recommend checking it out if you haven’t heard it. It is sorta like the old Sandler CD’s but not made exclusively for 11 year old children.

Well Norm obviously doesn’t give a shit about copy right infringement and everything he has ever done in his life was available on youtube so we spent an entire day watching basically all of it and laughing our asses off. You guys probably don’t have 8 hrs to watch Norm material so we narrowed it down to the quintessential 4 hrs. If you only a have a few minutes I would watch his stand-up special and some of the Dirty Work clips. Enjoy

(Norm’s 1991 HBO stand-up special)







(A clip from Norm’s new CD “Ridiculous” ft. Will Ferrell)



(A very funny interview with Dennis Miller)





(How did the Norm Show possibly get cancelled?)



If you enjoyed that little clip you can watch pretty much the entire first season for free on youtube. Just click here: http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=The+Norm+Show

(The Movie Dirty Work)



-Clip where Norm just got raped in jailed-


-More Chris Farley at his finest-


(The Bushman’s opinion of and challenge for Mr. MacDonald)

Wizards, Wizards, Wizards

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Lake Have-a-screw

After three days of camping we packed up our shit and headed back to civilization. As we were filling up on gas we noticed that a golf-ball-sized bubble had formed on the front right tire. Though we can’t prove it, we believed this to be the work of those pieces of shit at campsite #25. Unfortunately, we were already too far away to retaliate so we had to settle for a scathing comment on a blog with a dwindling fan base. Those guys are douche bags. It was a Sunday so we couldn’t find any tire stores that were open but we talked to what appeared to be some sort of mechanic at a gas station and he told us that the bubble was extremely dangerous and the tire would explode if we drove any further on it. Not one to trust a mechanic, Corey decided to call his dad and get a second opinion. Although his dad had apparently drank a bottle of scotch for breakfast and clearly had no idea what we were talking about, we decided to take his advice to “stop being pussies” and so we headed east.

We were on our way to Grand Canyon when we saw a sign for Lake Havasu and immediately decided to change course towards the Spring Break Capital of the Interior Southwest. As we pulled into Havasu we instantly entered into Spring Break Mode and sought out the partyingest beach-side bar in town for some afternoon drinking. A quick poll of the locals revealed that The Naked Turtle was the bar for us. The Turtle has everything you could possibly want in a Spring Break bar: beach-side location, tropical drinks and, most importantly, no one under the age of 53. While we were sitting at the bar choking down our $8 Naked Turtle Napalm Bombers (one part Bacardi 151, two parts mango juice, 15 parts Grenadine) we were approached by a smokin’ hot bombshell named Tammy, soon to be known as The Tamster. She was obviously drawn in by my Big Dog cutoff and able to look past my comically Little Dog biceps. We immediately hit it off and she invited us to stay at her house within the first five minutes of conversation. As we talked on, she opened up and told me about how she had only recently escaped her nightmare of a previous life in Spokane as a “corporate wife.” After her divorce she moved to her summer home in Lake Havasu and it only took “fucking nearly every guy at The Naked Turtle” (read in Cap’n Dan Voice) before she found true happiness in the form of a six-foot leather-skinned, Marlboro Menthol chain-smoking, renaissance man who goes by the self-given nickname, Cap’n Dan. As Tammy and I were discussing our love of afternoon drinking, her “man” walked up, took one look at us and immediately vetoed her previous offer of a place to stay for the night. Apparently, Cap’n Dan, known as Big Poppa Boondoggle in the grifter community, saw right through our not-so-clever ruse and instantly launched into his patented two-part grifter validation test. The first part of this test consisted of a rapid-fire barrage of ethnic jokes (i.e. What did they call Tiger Woods in college? Nigger). We passed with flying colors, laughing just hard enough to signify that we appreciated the cleverness of the jokes but not hard enough to signify that we were racists. We ordered some beers and continued our conversation at the bar. Cap’n Dan told us all about his life in Havasu, his days of driving truck and how he inherited a monster dick from his black grandpa (his justification for telling exclusively racist jokes).

(Cap'n Dan)

Eventually we earned his trust and were reinvited to their place for dinner and part two of the test, the BYO(and Dan’s)B beer chug challenge. Dan handed us a soaking wet five dollar bill and instructed us to buy him a six-dollar pack of Marlboro Menthols and a “30-Bomb” of Coor’s Light, one of his patented scams.

When we got to their house Cap’n Dan was firing up the grill. We offered him a beer and he accepted without hesitation. While we were waiting for the food to cook we talked about life on the lake, sports, and the Tamster’s god-given ability to “fuck his brains out,” a topic which would be shamelessly brought up no less than 300 times throughout the night. Before long we were served a spectacular meal of grilled pork loin, fancy mashed potatoes and salad. Apparently, Dan knows his way around the grill and Tammy is more than just a hot piece of ass. As the night progressed we made a sizeable dent in our beer supply and the conversation became slightly more serious. The more he talked the more I realized that Cap’n Dan was one of the most fascinating people I have had the pleasure of meeting. For a small insight into the man, the myth and the legend here are a few of the more interesting things we learned about Dan:

- Dan has been extremely interested in spirituality throughout the course of his life and has explored several unusual but highly interesting paths. He once paid money to be dropped off by a helicopter in the middle of a dessert with nothing to eat. After two full days the helicopter dropped food rations to him and for the next five days Dan found his way back using only a compass as a guide. This experience was so positive for him that he now often drives his boat upriver and camps for a few days at a time to meditate. During these trips he has nothing to eat and claims that these are the times in his life when his mind is at its clearest and he develops his best ideas.

- After earning a sizeable amount of money working for Chevron (we suspect he sold gas to kids for huffing) he embarked on a three-year road trip around the United States, once again proving that he is vastly superior to us. He made the trip in an RV and along the way joined up with fellow road trippers and became the ringleader of the first RV gang in modern history. He earned leader status by stabbing an 80-year-old man unprovoked with a sharpened plastic spoon and thereby asserted his dominance over all. After a long and storied road trip and an even longer stint in federal prison they changed their name from Cap’n Dan and the Gas Guzzlers to their current and more applicable name, The Aryan Brotherhood.

- Although he didn’t need the money, Dan recently chose to drive truck for nearly a full year of his life. During this trucker period Dan really honed his grifter skills. He taught us that nearly everything you needed on the road could be swindled from various truck stops. For a free meal you can eat at a Flying J and walk out, for a free fountain drink or shower go to a Pilot and for a free HJ head on over to Truck Stops of America. As he was explaining the trucker lifestyle I felt that I had finally found my true calling in life, a job that combines my addiction of traveling with my other addiction of crystal meth. Unfortunately, however, the benefits are slightly outweighed by the downsides: being a trucker.

At the tail end of the night we informed them that we had some weed in the car. Tammy was overly excited and urged us to roll a joint because Dan had apparently never had the experience of smoking “BC Bud.” I’m fairly sure that we had none of this “BC Bud” she spoke of but we played along and Corey “The Unnecessarily Slow Joint Rolling Machine” Johnson rolled up one of his famous four-hit joints. Once we lit up, about an hour later, Dan and Tammy told us that they couldn’t smoke because of upcoming drug tests at work. We felt that this was a little odd since it was clear that neither of them had jobs but we ignored the inconsistency and smoked our joint. This oversight would later come back to haunt us.

We could tell that the night was nearly over when Dan fell asleep in his chair. Almost on cue Tammy began cleaning up all the empty beer cans and putting away the food. As she was preparing our beds Dan opened his eyes and explained that we had just learned another invaluable life lesson; if you pretend to fall asleep, Tammy will clean the house for you.

The following morning we woke up early to watch the sunrise while Tammy prepared a delicious 30-item egg scramble. When we asked what exactly was in it Dan replied, “do you ask the Colonel what’s in his chicken?” Although this was around the thirtieth time he had used this phrase in the past two days, it was the first and only time that it even remotely made sense. The rest of the morning Dan went over his road atlas with us and instructed us what we needed to see in the southwest. Even though we spent less than two days with Cap’n Dan and the Tamster they formally adopted us and made us promise to return. Knowing that I finally had a family who wouldn’t tell me that “mushroom enthusiast is not a real job” and “we don’t care if Corey was kicked out by his Grandparents he can’t do drugs in our basement” we set out, giant tire bubble still intact, towards Sedona, AZ, in Dan’s opinion, the most beautiful place in America*.

(The whole family)

*We are incapable of creating an asterix-less post.

-Spencer

Comedy Countdown #13: Nick Swardson

Nick Swardson's roles in movies can most accurately be described as being, the shinning light in a sea of shit. His cinematic resume includes such feces piles as: Grandma's Boy, The Benchwarmers, Click, and Malibu's Most Wanted. Please don't let his complete lack of discretion with regard to scripts sour you to Nick Swardson as a comic. Both of us have seen him live and he really is a great stand-up comedian. I strongly recommend you go check him out for yourself, he will be at the Moore Theatre in Seattle on Friday, June 15.

(to buy tickets click here)
http://www.ticketmaster.com/event/0F003D8DFF39A102?artistid=853470&majorcatid=10002&minorcatid=51

Comedy countdown fact: Nick Swardson is the youngest person appearing on the comedy countdown (though he plays high school age gays in all movies he is actually 30 years old). The comedy countdown is a good example of how young people aren't funny. After some thought I don't know one good stand-up comedian under the age of 30. Go ahead and try to think of one. Here are a few guesses we had that are all wrong: Demetri Martin, he's 34, Sarah Silverman, 37, Katt Williams, 33. It seems to take years of failure and misery before you become hateful enough to come up with truly funny material. I am just saying you give us 7 more years together and we will be approaching levels of failure and misery that have never been seen before. That's when this site is really going to start taking off....

Enjoy these two Nick Swardson clips and to learn more check out www.NickSwardson.com

(Nick Swardson Stand-Up)




A normal day in the life of Down-To-Earth Nick Swardson

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Tie-Dyesaurus Rex

We woke up early to the sounds of my uncle loudly reminding us that he had a job to get to and that we were just lazy good for nothing boondogglers. He gave us directions to our next destination, Joshua Tree National Park (JTNP), and the suggestion to get on the road soon in order to avoid the rush hour traffic. We could tell by his get-the-fuck-out-my-house tone that we had once again worn out our welcome and burned yet another bridge. We quickly gathered our things and hit the road. As soon as we stepped out the door our road trippin instincts kicked back in and we chose to follow them instead of my uncle’s silly directions. These instincts lead us through a long stretch of construction sites and three rather expensive tollbooths. It was beginning to look as if, for the first time, our instincts had led us astray. Within a few minutes, however, we saw a sign for Cabazon and realized that we had chosen the correct path.

Cabazon, for the non-dinosaur-park-inclined, is home to the World’s Largest Dinosaurs. We had no problem spotting the dinos from the highway and we arrived at the park soon after. As we pulled into the parking lot we were amazed by the (as far as we could tell) larger-than-life-sized brontosaurus and T-Rex towering over our heads. Even more impressive was the fact that inside the bronto was a large gift shop filled to capacity with dino merchandise. While checking out the various dino wares we noticed several interesting items, including a coloring book showing Jesus’s interactions with Dinosaurs and a shirt that read “truckers road map” with a picture of a bible and a semi. We soon came to the realization that this was not your everyday dinosaur gift shop. We were instantly drawn to the tv in the back which was displaying an extremely interesting lecture about dinosaurs and the Bible. The Krazy-Bone look-alike behind the counter noticed our interest and handed us two copies of the DVD we were watching. We got out our wallets, prepared to shell out whatever the asking price was, but were shocked to discover that they were free. Spencer felt so indebted to the gift shop that he purchased an overpriced but sweet Dino Park shirt. Little did we know that the DVD would completely change our views on Jesus, Dinosaurs and Jesusaurs (more on that later).




With our dinosaur needs fully met we left Cabazon and headed towards JTNP. We got there in about an hour and after a brief stop at the Ranger station for a map we began our search for a campsite. The first two campgrounds in the park were full (of faggots) which was of no consequence to us because we already had our sights set on the Jumbo Rocks Campground (only half-full of faggots and, true to its name, surrounded by oversized rocks). An unnecessarily meticulous search led us to campsite #26, which for the next 3 days would be home to the notoriously mischievous 26-Mafia. The mafia wasted no time before pulling their first, and only, remotely successful prank. An elaborately falsified note reading “campsite taken” was placed on the adjacent campsite, #25, rendering the site untakeable by other campers and giving the 26-mafia free reign over the entire corridor. With our surroundings secure we immediately got to work setting up camp. Right as we finished putting the rain covers on our tents we were hit by a dessert monsoon of biblical proportions. We spent the next two hours sitting in my car exhausting our supply of both weed and plain flour tortillas. After smoking nearly ¾ of a comically small joint we were in the right mindset to figure out once and for all the truth about Jesus and the Dinosaurs. No words can accurately describe the experience so please just do yourselves a favor by getting high and watching this video. Sit back and watch while a true master of debate tears your reality apart.

(It’s 2 ½ hrs long so make sure you have enough weed)



To learn more, visit www.drdino.com.

If you watched the entire video and still believe in that evolution nonsense than you my friend are the idiot. You are the same idiot that look over Grand Canyon and think Grand Canyon weren’t made by Jesus riding on the back of a big ol’ dinosaur.

The rain let up soon after, but we were unable to pull ourselves away from Hovind’s mind-blowing lecture. We finally ended up stumbling into our freezing cold wet tents around one in the morning.

The next morning we were planning to just hike around and enjoy the weather but the surreal landscape of JTNP inspired us to take our first step towards a not so distant future of hanging out in Richard’s basement wearing tie-dye sweat suits and attempting to sync up our kaleidoscopes to the sweet sounds of Jefferson Airplane. Yep, we tuned in, turned on and dropped out. Yes sir, we followed the white rabbit all the way to wonderland. That’s right my friend, we took a one-way trip on the yellow submarine straight to the fourth dimension of mind expansion.*

We were both somewhat apprehensive about taking the plunge, due to several uncomfortable encounters with the psychedelic explorers at Bumbershoot, but once again our complete disregard for our own sanity won out. We each had 2 “hits” in the form of sugar cubes. We sat on top of an especially jumbo rock and dropped them in our mouths. The cubes quickly dissolved leaving only a horribly powerful gasoline-like aftertaste. We had reached the point of no return.

We continued hiking while waiting for the effects to kick in. As we walked, the sun broke through the clouds, partially blinding me and reminding me that I had forgotten my sunglasses. Luckily for me, this trail was apparently frequented by forgetful acidheads and right in middle of the trail was a perfect pair of vintage John Lennon shades. Right then I felt the acid starting to take effect and I knew it was going to be a great day.

Like most drugs, the negative hype surrounding acid seemed to be completely false.** I had expected an uncontrollable onslaught of crazy hallucinations while my world melted around me. Though I did experience some zany visuals, what really stood out was my complete harmony with life and my surroundings. It was actually quite a bit less “crazy” than my experience with mushrooms. While mushrooms usually give me a sense of adventure and searching, the acid left me with a complete feeling of contentment. My fears, worries, and apprehensions left me and I was just at peace with the world. The only negative side effect I noticed was that acid made both of us overconfident with regard to our rock climbing abilities. We ended up climbing up a very large shear cliff and then having no idea how to get down. After about an hour of planning out how we would live the rest of our lives on top of the cliff we ended up finding the scariest possible path down and narrowly avoided severe injuries. The rest of the time we just put on some tunes and strolled through the desert, stopping only for a much needed kaleidoscope break. One nice thing about the LSD was that the effects lasted somewhere around 6 or 7 hrs (probably due to our frequent orange consumption***).



I wish we had some crazier stories to tell, but to be honest it was just a really cool day. Though I’ve only done it once, and in a small dose, I feel I am qualified to say that LSD is a very feasible solution to society’s most pressing dilemma: boredom.

With our mind-altering journey complete, we headed back to our campsite. Much to our dismay, we discovered that some asshole family and their dogs had taken campsite #25 despite the fact that it was already occupied by a Mr. Boner McDonkeydick. The 26-Mafia did not take too kindly to this and immediately reacted the only way they know how. Within minutes, signs proclaiming the following night’s Kegger of the Century at campsite #25 were placed throughout the Jumbo Rocks Campground and the seeds were sown for yet another legendary prank. The rest of the night was spent prefunking for tomorrow’s party. During the prefunk we stumbled upon a delicious recipe for Chili Dog Tacos.****


The next morning we realized that we had severely underestimated the 25ers when we discovered they had placed multiple piles of dog shit in our pristine campsite. After several heated rounds of negotiations I was finally able to dissuade Spencer from shitting in their tents while they were sleeping. In order to calm ourselves down we headed off for a sober hike that provided few memories, but many painful sunburns. Once we got home we started getting ready for the big kegger. As the night went on we realized that somehow our plan to start a campground party wasn’t working as well as we planned. Only a couple stray guys showed up and those pieces of shit at 25 told them they were not having a party and that it must have been some sort of lame prank.***** The kegger disaster left us once again drinking Stoli Blueberry alone in our campsite. Turns out that we had underestimated the number of fags staying at the Jumbo Rocks Campsite by exactly two.

The next morning we woke up hungover and reeking of campfire smoke so we decided we better shower for the first time in three days and get over to Lake Havasu, Arizona where we would begin our endless spring break.

*In case you are a square who stumbled upon our site, we’re talking about doing acid.

**Next up we will test this theory with crystal meth, heroin, and ether.

***Spencer’s shaman friend from Peru, Medicine Wolf, advised him that citrus fruits enhance the effects of hallucinogenic drugs. Some other advice he gave Spencer was to never be without a poncho, always listen to the spirits and if you are going to try out the vampire lifestyle steer clear of sewer rats as a source of blood.

****Ingredients: 1 ½ can Hobo Chili, 1 Bar-S hotdog, 2 slice American cheese, and a flour tortilla…delicious.

*****Not true.

-Corey

Comedy Countdown #14: Sam Kinison

Sam Kinison was a true comedy legend and is widely recognized as the second funniest person ever born in Yakima,WA. You should know him as one of the founders of modern stand-up comedy or the short fat guy who yells a lot. Sam Kinison died in 1992 when a drunk 17 year old kid hit his car. This is somewhat ironic due to the very pro drinking and driving stance he took in his stand-up. These shitty youtube clips do not do him justice whatsoever, but if you are comedy fan you owe it to yourself to check out Sam Kinison. If you want to learn more check out (www.samkinison.org) or (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sam_Kinison)

(Kinison's 1st Letterman appearance)


(Sam's Stand-up and his weird 80's rock song)