If you're wondering, we are currently alive and well in Grants, New Mexico. At this very moment we are hanging out in our $20 motel room with an 8-pack of King Cobra Malt Liquor. Your predictions of how this night will end are more than welcome.
After our overwhelming brush with fame in L.A. we needed some time to recover. In true boondoggler fashion we ended up spending a full day eating free food and hanging out around Corey’s uncle’s house. Later that night my friend Kata randomly called and told me that she just happened to be staying with some relatives 15 minutes away in Irvine. I suspect that she was following me but I don’t have the proof to confirm that. We agreed to meet up at some brewery which was home to the world’s most extensive and overpriced selection of beers in the world. We went with the sampler, a great deal at only nine bucks for six thimbles full of beer. The highlight was the local hemp beer that tasted rather similar to a combination of bong water and urine. It reminded me of that time when I pulled the classic prank of peeing in my bong and then tricking my brother into drinking it. That idiot drank the entire concoction in one monster gulp. If you ask me, I think he actually liked it. And the best part is, I don’t even have a brother…I’m the one who drank the piss…I drank piss water!!!!* The rest of the night was fairly uneventful but I hadn’t seen Kata in quite some time so it was nice being able to catch up with her and even better to finally talk to someone who didn’t bring up his Delta Chi presidency every five fucking minutes.
The next morning we realized that one day on the couch was enough so we decided to get things moving and ask the moon beads whether we should travel to Mexico or begin our journey East. The verdict was Mexico. Neither of us particularly wanted to go to Mexico but we feared the repercussions of disobeying the beads so we hopped in the car and headed south. We drove straight into Mexico and then stopped in a town named Rosarita for lunch. I attempted to order us some tortas de carne but I must have mispronounced something because they ended up serving us sandwiches de dog food. We were a little disappointed by the mix up but were still very excited about our Mexican adventure so we headed out south towards Ensenada. We got into town about an hour later and I was able to successfully use my Spanish skills to score us a room for only $28 at Hotel Cucaracha.** After we had our room secured we headed out for what would prove to be the lamest night in the history of people going to Mexico. I won’t waste your time recounting our night, but let’s just say that it ended with an Eighter of Modelo Especial Superbowl XXXVII Commemorative Cans back at the Cucaracha Inn (Go Bucs!). Though I must say if you haven’t already done so, please go do yourself a favor and see Eddie Murphy pull off several brilliant and underappreciated performances in the modern comedy classic, Norbit, surprisingly even better the fifth time around.
The trip wasn’t a complete waste, however, as the next day we were lucky enough to get our hands on a limited edition Meatloaf bumper sticker which instantly became the highlight of our Road Trippin Bumper. As Corey drove back to California I employed my old trick of finishing off an Eighter of Vintage Buccaneer Beers and then passing out in order to avoid my driving responsibilities. When I came to again we were at Corey’s uncle’s place. We refueled with a delicious dinner and a couple beers and prepared to begin the eastern leg of our misguided American adventure.
*One piece of Road Trippin Memorabilia will be awarded to the first person to correctly identify the movie that I stole this bit from.
**Named by Corey, whose bed was home to a large tribe of cucarachas***.
***When his initial attempts at diplomacy failed miserably he reverted back to his old Blackfoot ways and waged all out genocide on the cucaracha tribe. I fear that this may develop into a serious problem if we come across more confrontational tribes.
Editor’s Note: If you are in the humorous blog business, do not attempt to write a post at 4 a.m. with a head full of ‘ludes.
-Spencer
Sarah Silverman is without a doubt the funniest woman on the planet, in fact, she might be the only funny woman on the planet. Besides being funny she is also a pretty cute jew (very rare), sorta rich, and willing to fuck someone like Jimmy Kimmell. In short, she has all the things you'd want in woman, minus that jew thing. Her past works include School of Rock, Mr. Show, Run Ronny Run and her DVD "Jesus is Magic." She is currently the star of one of our favorite new shows "The Sarah Silverman Program," which you might be able to see Thursdays at 10pm on Comedy Central (we have no idea if it is still on the air). Here are a few of the best clips we could steal for free off the internet.
The song "Germans love cars" from "Jesus is Magic"
Bit about her dad's dick and bums from "Jesus is Magic"
7 minute set from "Comic Relief 2006" (very good)
Still slightly hung over at around 5 p.m. we jumped in the stink wagon* and set our sights on Hollywood. We were heading up to see Spencer’s friend Megan, who recently moved to Hollywood to work for the Entertainment Channel and frequently hobnobs with big time movie stars (including such names as Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Robert Deniro, Cheech Marin). We figured that this was our best shot to accomplish a long-standing dream to do coke with John Stamos. Our first celebrity sighting came when we entered Megan’s apartment and met her two rising starlet roommates, Jen and Leah. Keeping with the St Patrick’s Day spirit Megan offered us a Heineken and the opportunity to smoke her out.
*The car is starting to smell pretty strongly like dead cats covered in baby formula.
(The LA gang)
After a few beers and a joint we agreed to go out to their favorite nearby bar to kick off our St. Patrick’s Day festivities. We were unimpressed by the lack of movie stars in the crowd and were forced to use our imaginations and pretend/insist that random people were famous. Pretty soon, however, we were treated to our first brush with stardom in the form of a young man that you will surely recognize from his starring role in a Dorito’s commercial. Although Megan and her roommates strongly urged us not to “embarrass them” by taking pictures of people who “aren’t famous” I was not about to let this opportunity slip through my fingers. After a long struggle I was able to fight my way through the paparazzi and snap some candid photos up close and personal with The Dorito’s Guy.
After a less than successful attempt to sell my photos of The Dorito’s Guy I rejoined the group at the bar. Once we learned that the bar did not sell road trippin friendly Schmidts cans we were forced to rely on other people for drinks. We managed to get pretty drunk by constantly promising to “get the next round.” Later on, Leah’s friend, who bore a striking resemblance to a black guy, joined our party. As I sat and drank my beer I had my first experience as the 6th wheel on a 5-wheeled makeoutmobile. In an attempt to gain favor in the group I employed my favorite old fraternity trick of dumping my beer all over everyone. With my standing in the group at an all time low I decided it was a good time to make some new friends. As I walked up to the bar I spotted two disheveled souls who I first mistook for Tim Meadows and Gene Wilder. After a short discussion about the NCAA tournament they got down to business and offered me a job in what seemed to be some sort of comedy. As we were chatting away Spencer came up and told me that we were leaving. They handed me their business card and told me to call them.
Needless to say, I am very excited about my future with Sheer Audacity! We left the bar early because Leah’s friend had promised to smoke us out with “cali’s finest dro.” We first thought that he meant weed but later learned that he was fucking liar. In fact the only thing we got from him was a debate over which movie was better: South Park or Family Guy. I took the Family Guy position and after a hotly contested debate, which I clearly won, it dawned on me that I had never seen the Family Guy movie. Later that night I had the opportunity to actually watch the Family Guy movie for the first time…and hated it.
The next morning the girls went for a run as we continued our streak of three straight days of waking up and feeling absolutely terrible. Our previous hangover cures of alka-seltzer and Tylenol proved ineffective so we decided to try and smoke the hangover out. This method turned out well for everyone except for me. Aside from intensifying the lingering hangover effects, it put me straight into a nauseous, paranoid coma and ruined all ambition I had for the day. Thanks again weed. My misery was compounded when Megan came home and vetoed our decision of visiting the Librea Tar Pits (awesome, dinosaur-themed attraction) and talked us into spending our day at the Getty Museum (boring old building filled with antique cabinets and sculptures). Besides the fact I wanted to kill myself the entire time I was there the museum was actually really impressive. The trip was highlighted by our favorite exhibit, Zoopsia, a room comprised of paintings and sculptures that represented animal hallucinations. The verdict is still out on my appreciation of art but I can certainly confirm my appreciation of hallucinations.
You may know and sort of like Joe Rogan for his work on Newsradio, Fear Factor, the shittier version of The Man Show, his cameo on Chappelle's Show or as host of the UFC. We're not really sure if his stand-up is funny but we do both hate Carlos Menstealia and love psychedelic drugs so go ahead and check out these videos:
Joe Rogan vs. Carlos Mencia
Rogan Explains DMT
We arrived at Corey’s uncle’s place in Orange County (all you young hipster types might know it better as “The OC”) at around ten at night. We were worn out from a full day of driving and expected to go straight to bed…we were way off. We spent the next two hours pounding beers and slamming shots like a freshman at a frat party. True to freshman form, we promptly passed out and were chiefed by Corey’s uncle*.
The entire next day was spent watching the tournament and recovering from our wicked hangovers. As soon as Corey’s aunt and uncle returned from work, however, we caught the first party train to gettingfuckedupville. This was my first meeting with Corey’s aunt (Bacardi Brenda as we affectionately called her behind her back) and she was definitely not impressed. Within seconds of gazing upon my face she was struck with the violent urge to sheer my disturbingly patchy neck beard. This urge was so strong, in fact, that she refused to let me stay even one more second in her house until it was gone. I was a little apprehensive about her shaving abilities but she quickly put my worries to rest with this little gem: “one time I even shaved my pussy, god why did I tell you that? that is so embarrassing.” As advertised, she did a fantastic job and I was free to stay as long as I pleased.
Once we had a pretty good buzz going we decided to step it up a notch with a delightful game of Taboo. We were feeling pretty good about our chances until Corey’s uncle flipped the script and cleverly pawned off his wife onto Corey. While my confidence surged through the fucking roof, I could tell by the look on Corey’s face that he was now deeply dreading the game. I soon learned why. For those of you who have yet to play Taboo, I will give you a quick rundown. One player selects a card that contains a word. This player has to get his teammate to guess this word without using the 5 “taboo” words also contained on the card (pretty sweet, I know). I was in the enviable position of looking over Bacardi Brenda’s shoulder as she gave clues solely using the taboo words. The hilarity continued when it was her turn to guess. Her best moments included the guesses “Cigarette Freud” and “Regis Kelly Ripa” and her insistence that she would have instantly guessed Amazon River if only Corey had said, “it’s a snake.” For our own amusement Corey’s uncle and I chose to mock Corey and insist that his clues were the reason for their team’s poor performance. After five frustrating rounds Corey erupted into a hate-filled tantrum and went downstairs for the rest of the night**/***.
With Corey gone, and the group dynamic greatly improved, we decided to play on. Almost immediately Corey’s uncle and I went to the kitchen to drink by ourselves and formulate a plan to get Barcardi Brenda to take my place on the road trip. Deeper into the night Corey’s uncle asked me what I wanted to do with my life once my days of boondoggling**** were behind me. I told him I had no idea but that comedy was the only thing in life that I had a real passion for. I now wish I had said “law school.” What came next was the most frightening pep talk I have ever received. In between force-feeding me shots, he spent about an hour yelling rhetorical questions at my face. In the few moments where he graciously allowed me to speak he would instantly cut me off by repeatedly asking “why?” until I gave up. Though his method was rather harsh, he got his point across and by the end I actually felt pretty motivated, or at least afraid of what he might do if I didn’t pursue comedy.
We spent the next day in standard hangover fashion then got ready to head up to L.A. for what would prove to be an absolutely Kattanic success (read in a Chris Kattan voice).
*This chiefing consisted of Corey’s uncle calling us pussies and jobless bums as we tried to sleep on the couches. More of a verbal chiefing, but a chiefing nonetheless.
**Corey is a baby.
***Corey’s note: I spent the rest of the night drinking alone in the basement thinking of ways I might be able to destroy the lives of the 3 people upstairs. Bringing them on this road trip came to mind. Also, Spencer is a piece of shit.*****
****A term Corey’s uncle uses quite frequently to describe our current endeavor. Webster’s Dictionary definition: boondoggle |ˈboōnˌdägəl; -ˌdôgəl| informal noun:
work or activity that is wasteful or pointless but gives the appearance of having value.
*****Not true
-Spencer
Spencer and I love stand-up comedy. We also love making lists. We have put these 2 loves together into “the definitive stand-up comedy list”. Now that we have this list we decided to put it to work on our site. For next few weeks we will be doing a comedy countdown with bits from our favorite stand-up comedians. If you also like comedy, but don’t have the time to search Youtube for clips you should check back 13 times an hour.
Here's a sneak peek...
Also we went to LA and Mexico and will be posting our adventures soon.
To make up for my dog rant I spent the last 4 hrs working on this map. I hope it helps you better follow our magical journey. I will try and update it every week or so.
As some of you may know, we have made a pledge to see every dinosaur park in the United States and plan to make good on that. On the way down the Oregon Coast we spotted our first park. The park was $7.00 to tour but free to take pictures by the T-Rex out front. We decided to take the more road trip budget friendly option. Although the tour was grossly over priced, Corey found the kaleidoscopes to be priced just right.
Driving through southern Oregon in the rain with no known destination and just a one man tent to call home, our zest for the road was at an all-time low (out of the 5 days since we had left). Luckily, a beacon of hope was sent our direction in the form of a man in his late 60’s. His name was Ira, and he transformed our way of looking at the world we live in. When we first came across Ira he was on the side of Highway 101, waving at cars and giving them the double thumbs up. Looking like a man with trippin experience, we naturally decided to stop and ask him for some advice. After convincing him that we were legit, Ira invited us to experience what it feels like to “just walk and give people love.” We accepted enthusiastically and we would not regret it.
Ira was born in the Bay Area and spent a good amount of time in Haight-Ashbury during the 60’s and 70’s. He remembered these times fondly, telling us, “you could spot a flower child from 2 blocks away because you could just feel their energy and you would just have to go up and hug them.” To make a living Ira became a “Techie Nerd” for IBM, where he fixed computer systems for large businesses up until 1979. His story becomes a little hazy from that point but picks up again 3 years ago when he was diagnosed with cancer. The doctor types gave him very little chance to live and suggested chemotherapy. Not being one to follow orders, Ira chose to simply walk the cancer out of him. Three years later, guess who’s cancer free? Probably not Ira, he hasn’t been back to get a check up yet. So now he walks up and down the highway waving and pointing to people, adding a little brightness to their days. Ira doesn’t worry about money anymore; he relies on the fact that a sufficient amount will show up when he needs it. He also doesn’t worry much about other futile matters such as time or dates. This is a lot like a road tripper’s mindset in which you simply live for the moment. One thing Ira is worried about, however, is the plight of the “unhoused.” He complained to us on more than one occasion about how unfair it was that staters wouldn’t let homeless people sleep on the beach in peace. While I am in agreement with Ira, I believe his highly pro-hobo stance could have had something to do with how close he is to joining their ranks in the near future.
The sun was beginning to set and Ira explained to us that it was time for his daily ritual of taking a serious walk down to the beach to stare at the sun. We tried to keep up as he jumped nimbly from log to log; this was obviously not his first trip to the beach. When we reached the shore Ira instructed us to throw on some tunes and stare directly into the setting sun. His selection for the day was The Moody Blues. As we stared at the dimming yet still painfully bright sun Ira explained that all we needed to do was relax and focus our entire minds on the sun. He warned us not to worship the sun but rather to just think of it as a cable through which you receive the information and energy that it’s sending. Through this ritual, as Ira explained, he was able to receive energy and love directly from the sun.
Although our decision to spend time with Ira was based on the fact that he appeared to be a crazy old kook, our opinion changed over the course of our time spent with him. Yes, he had some ridiculous ideas but it was refreshing to talk to someone so happy and so disinterested in standard success. We found his unconventional happiness somewhat inspiring. Though I sense our draw to him might be slightly due to our ever-quickening downward spiral into insanity.
Here are some bits of knowledge (some crazy, some not so crazy) that Ira kindly bestowed upon us:
-Governments and corporations are shaped like pyramids: there are only a few at the top who reap all the benefits, while the vast majority is stuck at the bottom with nothing. The universe, however, is shaped like a sphere. What’s at the center of that sphere? You’ll have to develop your own answer because he wasn’t willing to tell us.
-Always keep an open mind and an open heart. Always keep it positive.
-Never stop learning and don’t discriminate against the information you take in. Take in all the information you can and then you decide, not your parents or the media, what you believe and make your decision from your heart.
-In order to stop the wars (you want to stop the war don’t you?) all you have to do is make a flag look all worn out on your computer. Then, simply add the words “bring her home,” or if you want to make it more personal, “bring them home.” Once you’ve got your flag made all you have to do is wave it in someone’s face once in a while. Not as difficult as you imagined, is it?
With our hearts and minds refreshed we continued south to California. We were unable to find any decent campsites and Corey needed to get to San Francisco to see his girlfriend that weekend so he drove like a madman for the next 8 hours. We ended up getting to her house outside of San Francisco around 3 in the morning.
In other news, we recently realized how little planning we put into this trip and that we have no idea what we’re doing. If you have any suggestions of where to go and what to see, let us know.
Hey guys thanks for all the comments and emails. You have given us just enough of an ego boost to keep this website going. As for new posts we have 2 new posts in the works telling what we have been up to the last 6 days and we might also put up few other posts about random stuff (I would like to put up our 3 old live journals, an explanation of where bumhaircuts.com came from, and some other stuff like that).
As for the future of the trip, we are just about to leave San Francisco. Our plan is to search out some form of Redwoods and enjoy a few days of hiking, camping, and mushroom induced insanity. After that I assume we are going to try and get a little further south maybe LA or Death Valley. I will keep you posted (possible pun).
Oh also if you want to receive an email when we update I might put some list together and send out an email. So if you want on this list send your email to bumhaircuts@gmail.com.
-Corey
After saying goodbye to Sam we had one more stop to make in Washington before crossing the border into Oregon. This final stop was, of course, to see our old fraternity brother Jake “The Snake” Hoseman. Jake had moved back home to Vancouver, WA after graduating from college to single-handedly run his family’s gun shop (his brother is one apple that fell far from the tree when it comes to gun shop management). I really don’t think I can accurately describe Jake but here are some key facts about him:
a) He runs a gun shop
b) He gets paid in ammunition
c) He will kill you
d) His dad is the Bass Player for Vancouver’s best classic rock cover band, “The Randy Band” (very funny and may be explained in later posts)
e) He hates liberals/gun bans
f) He is engaged to his college sweetheart (Wedding is next St. Patrick’s day so you better start kissing his ass if you want one of the coveted invitations)
g) He once warned me to “not count my sheep” in an attempt to keep my burgeoning mega-ego in check.
For some reason no one we knew had Jake’s contact info so we decided to just call all gun shops in the Greater Vancouver Area (GVA) and ask for Jake. Destiny worked her magic and on our second call (out of a possible 30 gun shops in the GVA) we heard Jakes cheery, newly professionalized voice. He gave us directions but we probably could have found it easily on our own due to its prime gun shop location (in a strip mall right between a European hair salon and a sushi restaurant). Our visit with Jake was short, yet extremely interesting and informative. First and foremost we learned that C&C Gunshop, and Jake by extension, are very concerned about them politician types attempting to enact a gun ban on semi automatic weaponry in Vancouver. Second we learned fully automatic rifles are no longer able to be legally enjoyed in Washington State, thanks again liberals. As we were leaving, Jake offered us a token of friendship to aid us on our adventures: a large, magnetic Support Our Troops ribbon. We were happy to have acquired our first addition to the road trippin bumper* and even happier to let America know that we support the American army enough to place an easily removable endorsement on our car. In conclusion, if you or anyone you know are in the market for a semi-auto AK-47 we suggest getting down to the C&C Gun Shop in Vancouver, WA before the ban goes into effect. (Jake if you read this please keep us updated on the shop and Randy Band)
After our reconnection with Jake we started out on our drive to Corvalis, OR to stay with our Delta Chi brothers at Oregon State University. Along the way we stopped at the Willamette Valley Vineyards to do some wine tasting. The wine was excellent, our new friend Harold’s advice of what casinos and golf courses to visit was even better. With a belly full of wine and a BAC slightly over the legal limit we followed poorly placed signs to Silver Falls, an hour out of our way. It might just be the Richards talking but I found the falls to be quite breathtaking.
Once we arrived at OSU we began what turned out to be a very eventful night. Fist up we watched the brothers lose 13-0 in an indoor soccer game against a team full of arrogant Kuwaitis (to my knowledge, the only type of Kuwaitis). We then went to bed immediately in an attempt to avoid any further interaction with our new friends.
*A few months ago I got hit by an out of control 18-wheeler during an ice storm. It didn’t really do any damage except it made a small dent in my bumper. Since it wasn’t my fault the trucking company is paying for a new bumper. The cool thing about this is that it allows us to completely cover my bumper with every retarded bumper sticker we find throughout our journey. I assume by the time we get to the Deep South our bumper sticker collection will be good for at least a couple ass beatings. We will keep you posted as it comes together.
-Corey
We were well on our way to the party capital of Washington State and home of the Papermakers (Camas), jamming to disc 2 of the Cream Anthology, when we decided to make a quick detour to a rest stop so we could pick up a cup of coffee. I was more than happy to give up the contents of my pocket (six pennies and a piece of gum) as a donation to the Veterans of Foreign Wars Cause, mostly because I'm sick and fucking tired of giving my change to those freeloading civil war veterans. The coffee wasn't quite worth my donation, but it did the trick and gave us enough of a buzz to complete the second leg of our journey.
- Spencer
The first few momentous days of this road trip were spent trapped in Seattle smoking our friends out and playing Nintendo wii. We arrived in Seattle Thursday night and went straight to our first destination, our friend Josh’s apartment. Josh is an old fraternity brother of ours who owns a Nintendo wii and loves smoking weed (especially other people’s weed). Our first night was fairly uneventful except for Josh dominating us on the video games he has spent the past few months playing instead of having a job. Josh was also nice enough to treat us an almost non stop onslaught of our official Road Trip Anthem “Road Trippin”. If this song doesn’t get you pumped up for the road you must be some kind of faggot.
-Spencer (standing) and Josh jamming
(Retarded Theme Song)
The next day we ran some errands and then got ready for our big night out/going away party by getting everyone high and playing Nintendo wii. Our choice of venue for the night was our old watering hole staple, The Duchess. The Dutchess is a bar frequented by college students and people over 50 who wish they had been college students. It’s got pop-a-shot, pool, shuffleboard and a full-sized canoe on the wall. They also serve Schmidts in cans $1.15. Nothing too eventful happened but it was nice just to see all four of our friends and some other people that showed up before we headed out into the great unknown. When we got back to Josh’s place we smoked a few more Richards* and ton more laughs from the really funny stuff we probably said. Naturally this led to an old fashioned game of Buzz Cut Roulette. For the uninitiated this game consists of everyone asking the moon beads** whether or not they should get a buzz cut. Once again the moon beads were 100% accurate, instructing only Corey and me to get the coveted buzz cut. Our haircutting method was to use clippers to cut around common kitchen items such as pasta strainers and coffee cups placed on our heads. Needless to say, our new dos were sweet. You can tell a lot about a man from their stance on the buzz cut. Our friend Ian for example ran like a little girl at the first mention of giving out buzz cuts and hasn’t been seen or heard from since.
(Who's ready for a road trippin haircut?)
The next morning Josh’s girlfriend Andrea cleaned up the kitchen, which was completely coated in our hair without complaining or any hint of anger. She is probably the most understanding person I’ve ever known. Our original plan was to stay each night in Seattle with different friends who lived progressively further south but Andrea’s hospitality, excellent sandwich fixins, and ownership of large comfortable couches made us rethink that.
The following morning we ate Hawaiian style burgers and watched the Dawgs pull off a win against UCLA. Later Josh and I went on the creepiest most surreal drug deal I’ve ever been a part of. After getting really high we walked down a dark alley until we noticed a lanky, hunched over, longhaired Asian dude staring at us from a doorway. Without exchanging words he lead us into his bedroom handed me my drugs. We had been told that we would be getting 8 “shroom chocolates” and 10 hits of acid. What he handed me was a small baggie half-filled with shroom shake and another baggie with four sugar cubes individually wrapped in aluminum foil. I had no idea what the going street price acid was and only a vague notion for mushrooms so I ended up paying (140 dollars for what appears to be about 37 dollars worth drugs) about twice their worth. I had no qualms about this however because it was well worth the price to get the fuck out of that place.
Not even a bad drug deal could break our sky-high spirits though, we knew that not everything goes perfectly when you’re road trippin. In fact, it appears that absolutely nothing goes perfectly when you’re road trippin. Luckily our good friend Donny came over and provided us with nearly instantaneous laughs. Around twenty minutes after Donny arrived we began to wonder why he had yet to leave the kitchen or attempt to socialize. We soon discovered that he had come across a few PBR’s and a near empty half-gallon of Southern Comfort then took the liberty of finishing off the stash by himself. In order to get Donny to join the group we offered him a couple Richards, which he took to like a fish to water. No more than five minutes passed before Josh noticed that Donny was starting to turn a lighter shade of pale, a sure warning sign of him losing control of bodily functions, so Josh asked him if he needed to puke. This was apparently the opportunity Donny was waiting for as he proceeded to sprint to the bathroom, push Parker to the side and let loose with a puking session fit for a heroin junkie (link to puke video). That was the last we saw of Donny until we found him sleeping under the table the next morning (link to Donny picture). Unfortunately Donny refused to take us up on our offer of a free seat on the road trip (the trunk).
(Donny's standard conclusion to a night/45 minutes of partying)
Later that night we got insanely high and watched Alice in Wonderland while listening to Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Josh had been saying this way even more crazy than the very underwhelming Wizard of Oz and Dark Side of the Moon combo he had forced us to watch a year ago. Despite smoking about 15 Richards each we both failed to find any correlation between two.
After smoking our entire 3-month weed budget in the first 3 days we decided it was time to keep moving. So we ate some Mexican food and got the fuck out of that place before it sucked away what was left of our spirit.
Also at some point during the weekend I machine-washed my pants, shirts and cell phone.
*The Richard is the most efficient way to smoke weed invented by Corey’s old hippie friend. It consists of taking the smallest amount of weed you can put into a bong without it falling through then smoking the entire thing and keeping the smoke in your lungs until it all saturates into your body and blood stream. The Richard can also refer to pooping in a bucket and throwing it out the window, rolling a joint that only consists of a mushroom stem and most everything else a 50-year-old hippie living in his parents’ basement would do.
**A few weeks ago I (Corey) was walking home from the Northwest YoYo championships when I stumbled upon a going out of business sale at a local Hippie store. Seeing this as a premium place to pick up some road trippin supplies I decided I better check out their wares. The entire store was 2 feet by 4 feet and consisted almost entirely of useless garbage (Cds of bands consisting entirely of tambourines, pictures of fairies, and a strange set of New Kids on the Block action figures). On the way out I noticed a little shabby looking purple bag sitting in the corner. Upon review it turned out the bag contained a set of magic moon beads that can tell you the answer to any yes or no question. So needless to say I bought the beads and pledged my allegiance to them and agreed that I would follow any advice they gave. After telling Spencer about them he agreed that we would make any and all important decisions based on the answer they give.
-Spencer
After 2 months of vaguely discussing the possibility of a road trip we decided to complete all the necessary preparation on the date of our departure. “All necessary preparation” consisted of me throwing my 3 pairs of clothes in the trunk, finding a camcorder and purchasing a sizeable amount of marijuana.
Luckily, living in a predominantly hippie town a half an hour from the Canadian border we were able to track down our most important supply within the hour. All we had to do was drive 20 minutes out of town to a house which had last been inhabited in 1978 by a local cocaine czar. The dealer we did business with preferred to be called by his self-given nickname of Dizzle. So we buy our weed from Dizzle and he offers/challenges us to roll matching blunts then he proceeds to smoke the vast majority of both like only a two fisting blunt addict can do. After declining Dizzle’s invitation to “give him hand” by picking up a few bottles sitting around his house we were finally prepared to get one last meal and night of normal sleep at my parents’ house before we hit the road.
Much to my parent’s chagrin I was going to be going on the road trip with the same person who had been there for a majority of my major downfalls in life (see Delta Chi Fraternity, 4th of July at the old Submarine Inn and subsequent Jail sentence for criminal trespassing). They overlooked Corey’s ability to bring the worst out of me, however, because he was willing to take me far away from them for an extended period of time. As a sign of appreciation, my mother prepared us the standard going away meal of lamb chops, salt roll, bake potato with “Mexican sour cream”, goat milk ice cream and a hobo-sized bottle of wine from Costco to take the edge off.
The next morning we said goodbye to my parents, packed up the rest of my stuff into the car and set off on our life-altering super-journey.
-Spencer
The Dudes-
If you are reading this you probably know both Spencer and myself (Corey), but if for some reason this blog has gone outside our circle of six friends you might want to check out the bio post that came before this.
The Plan-
The basic scheme is that the two of us are going to get in my car and drive around the US for the next 3 months. We don’t really have a route or actual plan to speak of. We are going to be trying to stay off all major highways and interstates and experience what small town America has to offer.
Our starting point is Bellingham, Washington (which as far as I can tell is the farthest NW point in the continental US) and from there we are heading due south. We are going to be making stops as frequently as we can find distant relatives or obscure family friends to impose on. If we can’t find people to stay with we’ll be illegally camping on the side of the highway.
Along the way we plan to divide up our time between our 5 main trip focal points.
1. Seeking out and interviewing people we find to be “interesting”. These American heroes will be your mentally unstable, your grossly intoxicated, the spiritually enlightened, and many other forms of transients. There is a lot that can be learned from those that pushed the limits of the social norms to the breaking point and never quite recovered.
2. Doing drugs (Mushrooms, acid, paint huffing, Quaaludes) in interesting locations (desert, mountain top, grandparents basement) and seeing what subsequently comes about.
3. Seeing some cool shit around the country (Grand Canyon, all dinosaur parks, World’s biggest tractor tire, Niagara Falls, funny named towns like “Weed, CA” and “Sodomy, WV”, you know stuff like that.
4. Go to as many comedy shows or other funny events (Evangelicals, NASCAR races, etc) as we can on the road.
5. Find peace of mind and our paths in life. By completing the first 4 objectives I see this one pretty much falling into place.
What we are bringing on the trip-
2- Dudes
1- Car
8- 30 liter totes with our shit in them
1- Video camera (we will be videoing pretty much everything we do)
1- Large Bag full of Weed, Mushrooms, and Acid
1- Larger bag full of unsalted almonds
1- Annoyingly positive attitude
1- Dangerously negative attitude
Known Destinations-
- Bellingham, WA (jump off)
- Seattle, WA
- Camas, WA (home of our buddy Sam, a large paper mill and nothing else)
- San Francisco, CA
- Cojo’s Uncles house in the Laguna Beach
- Santa Fe mescaline walk
- Glass thing that sticks out of Grand Canyon
- Bayou
- Any and all dinosaur parks in the continental United States
- A new dimension of thinking
- Also lots of other places
Some of the main goals for the trip are the following-
- Find a new spiritual adviser in the form of an old homeless hippie who we pick up at a truck stop
- Not go to jail with a sentence longer than a month (at a time)
- Go on a vision quest in the dessert
- Try to survive in the wilderness for very small stretches of time
- Restore the good name of LSD which has been unfairly tarnished since its heyday of the 60’s.
- Figure out just a little more about what the hell is actually going on in this crazy world
This Website-
The main focus of this website is just going to be us telling the story of this road trip. We will be putting together the posts jointly, but one person will actually be doing the writing from his voice. That person will sign the bottom of the post and be using a different font. I can't promise this site is going to be funny at all, but I will say that everything we put on here will at least be loosely based on the truth or what we can remember of it. We are going to try and update as often as possible (everyday or so) with stories, pictures, and videos from the road.
Besides all the stuff from this trip we are going to try and put up some other intesting or funny stuff. Such as…
1) Old Live journals from our past journeys
2) Funny pictures, videos, and links that we steal from other funny sites
3) Maybe some other random thoughts and stories we have heard or made up
Well that sort of covers it. Leave a comment or send us an email at BumHairCuts@gmail.com if you have anything funny to say or just let us know someone is checking out the site. We would both really appreciate any feedback. I am excited about what this journey has in store for us and I hope you enjoy the site.
-Corey
Corey
Where to start? Well I'm 24 years old. I graduated from college a year or so ago. I planned on going to Law School, but since the fairly obvious realization that that was a horrible idea I’ve been spending my time with a mix of light working, world traveling, and hangin out. My hobbies include traveling, reading weird books written in the 60's and 70's*, laughing at funny shit**, and spending time with my lone friend Lance***.
I would say the biggest staple of my life is that I have no idea what I should be doing with it. I honestly have no fucking clue. One day I am trading currencies for a living and the next I am looking for a plane ticket to Nepal to join a Buddhist convent. I have a true passion for the avoidance of a "normal" or what you might call a "successful" life. I have taken very active steps to avoid any form of monetary, personal, or emotional accomplishment since graduating from College. This is never more evident than me quitting my great job to drive aimlessly around the country in search of horrible experiences that my friends might think are funny. For some reason to me it seems that when it is all said and done a handful of great stories is going to be a lot more satisfying than pile of money.
My passion to figure out what to do with my life has led me to discover two new and exciting avenues of inquiry, Buddhism and Psychedelic drugs. Both have expanded my mind and both have given me hope that there may actually be some meaning out there. I can also assure you that there is going to be an abundance of both in the next few months on this trip.
This road trip is going to be life changing in both good and I am sure horrible ways. Yet, I can honestly say that I have never been more excited in my life for an experience. I feel this is me making my stand that I am never going to work a 9 to 5 job or settle for a normal life just because that is what you are suppose to do.
*Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Dharma Bums, Be Here Now
**Doug Stanhope, David Cross, Zach Galifianakis, Dave Chappelle and others
***Not a real friend…Not ever a real person
Spencer
For the majority of my 22 years on earth my life objectives have been the following: making people laugh, doing drugs and bonin(g) chicks. So far I’ve had limited success with the first two and completely failed at the last one. I enjoy soccer, stand-up comedy and not too much else. Possibly my greatest asset is that I can speak just enough Spanish to where I can possibly pass off as a mildly retarded Mexican.
My parents used to believe that I would amount to something but have recently caught on to my lack of ambition. This revelation has caused them to put all their hopes and capacity to love into their dog Oscar, or Osky as they affectionately refer to him.
However to paint a portrait of my life only looking at my downfalls would only be 90-95% accurate. I have also racked up quite a few accomplishments. The ones I’m proudest of are graduating from college, becoming the Grand Warlock of a Wiccan coven and getting an HJ. Judging by my current life path future accomplishments will most likely include but are not limited to drug-induced dementia, overcoming societal norms (becoming homeless) and giving an HJ for drug money.
I am neither willing nor able to get a job, which has made it necessary for me to explore other income generating options. My most successful venture has been dealing weed and shrooms (successful not in terms of monetary gain but in amounts of drugs consumed). Recently I discovered this internet-based phenomenon called “blogging.” Based on everything imagined in my mind about the ”blogging” I see no possible way that I won’t make a million dollars with this cash cow of the future. Unfortunately I am told that this will only work if I actually have something to write about, leading me to take part in a crazy road trip despite my intense hatred of driving and other people. In the unlikely event that this doesn’t pan out I will probably end up (humorous example of life choice to follow).
