Boondoggling

We arrived at Corey’s uncle’s place in Orange County (all you young hipster types might know it better as “The OC”) at around ten at night. We were worn out from a full day of driving and expected to go straight to bed…we were way off. We spent the next two hours pounding beers and slamming shots like a freshman at a frat party. True to freshman form, we promptly passed out and were chiefed by Corey’s uncle*.

The entire next day was spent watching the tournament and recovering from our wicked hangovers. As soon as Corey’s aunt and uncle returned from work, however, we caught the first party train to gettingfuckedupville. This was my first meeting with Corey’s aunt (Bacardi Brenda as we affectionately called her behind her back) and she was definitely not impressed. Within seconds of gazing upon my face she was struck with the violent urge to sheer my disturbingly patchy neck beard. This urge was so strong, in fact, that she refused to let me stay even one more second in her house until it was gone. I was a little apprehensive about her shaving abilities but she quickly put my worries to rest with this little gem: “one time I even shaved my pussy, god why did I tell you that? that is so embarrassing.” As advertised, she did a fantastic job and I was free to stay as long as I pleased.

Once we had a pretty good buzz going we decided to step it up a notch with a delightful game of Taboo. We were feeling pretty good about our chances until Corey’s uncle flipped the script and cleverly pawned off his wife onto Corey. While my confidence surged through the fucking roof, I could tell by the look on Corey’s face that he was now deeply dreading the game. I soon learned why. For those of you who have yet to play Taboo, I will give you a quick rundown. One player selects a card that contains a word. This player has to get his teammate to guess this word without using the 5 “taboo” words also contained on the card (pretty sweet, I know). I was in the enviable position of looking over Bacardi Brenda’s shoulder as she gave clues solely using the taboo words. The hilarity continued when it was her turn to guess. Her best moments included the guesses “Cigarette Freud” and “Regis Kelly Ripa” and her insistence that she would have instantly guessed Amazon River if only Corey had said, “it’s a snake.” For our own amusement Corey’s uncle and I chose to mock Corey and insist that his clues were the reason for their team’s poor performance. After five frustrating rounds Corey erupted into a hate-filled tantrum and went downstairs for the rest of the night**/***.

With Corey gone, and the group dynamic greatly improved, we decided to play on. Almost immediately Corey’s uncle and I went to the kitchen to drink by ourselves and formulate a plan to get Barcardi Brenda to take my place on the road trip. Deeper into the night Corey’s uncle asked me what I wanted to do with my life once my days of boondoggling**** were behind me. I told him I had no idea but that comedy was the only thing in life that I had a real passion for. I now wish I had said “law school.” What came next was the most frightening pep talk I have ever received. In between force-feeding me shots, he spent about an hour yelling rhetorical questions at my face. In the few moments where he graciously allowed me to speak he would instantly cut me off by repeatedly asking “why?” until I gave up. Though his method was rather harsh, he got his point across and by the end I actually felt pretty motivated, or at least afraid of what he might do if I didn’t pursue comedy.

We spent the next day in standard hangover fashion then got ready to head up to L.A. for what would prove to be an absolutely Kattanic success (read in a Chris Kattan voice).

*This chiefing consisted of Corey’s uncle calling us pussies and jobless bums as we tried to sleep on the couches. More of a verbal chiefing, but a chiefing nonetheless.

**Corey is a baby.

***Corey’s note: I spent the rest of the night drinking alone in the basement thinking of ways I might be able to destroy the lives of the 3 people upstairs. Bringing them on this road trip came to mind. Also, Spencer is a piece of shit.*****

****A term Corey’s uncle uses quite frequently to describe our current endeavor. Webster’s Dictionary definition: boondoggle |ˈboōnˌdägəl; -ˌdôgəl| informal noun:
work or activity that is wasteful or pointless but gives the appearance of having value.

*****Not true


-Spencer