Our second favorite Ally

The first few momentous days of this road trip were spent trapped in Seattle smoking our friends out and playing Nintendo wii. We arrived in Seattle Thursday night and went straight to our first destination, our friend Josh’s apartment. Josh is an old fraternity brother of ours who owns a Nintendo wii and loves smoking weed (especially other people’s weed). Our first night was fairly uneventful except for Josh dominating us on the video games he has spent the past few months playing instead of having a job. Josh was also nice enough to treat us an almost non stop onslaught of our official Road Trip Anthem “Road Trippin”. If this song doesn’t get you pumped up for the road you must be some kind of faggot.

-Spencer (standing) and Josh jamming

(Retarded Theme Song)


The next day we ran some errands and then got ready for our big night out/going away party by getting everyone high and playing Nintendo wii. Our choice of venue for the night was our old watering hole staple, The Duchess. The Dutchess is a bar frequented by college students and people over 50 who wish they had been college students. It’s got pop-a-shot, pool, shuffleboard and a full-sized canoe on the wall. They also serve Schmidts in cans $1.15. Nothing too eventful happened but it was nice just to see all four of our friends and some other people that showed up before we headed out into the great unknown. When we got back to Josh’s place we smoked a few more Richards* and ton more laughs from the really funny stuff we probably said. Naturally this led to an old fashioned game of Buzz Cut Roulette. For the uninitiated this game consists of everyone asking the moon beads** whether or not they should get a buzz cut. Once again the moon beads were 100% accurate, instructing only Corey and me to get the coveted buzz cut. Our haircutting method was to use clippers to cut around common kitchen items such as pasta strainers and coffee cups placed on our heads. Needless to say, our new dos were sweet. You can tell a lot about a man from their stance on the buzz cut. Our friend Ian for example ran like a little girl at the first mention of giving out buzz cuts and hasn’t been seen or heard from since.

(Who's ready for a road trippin haircut?)

The next morning Josh’s girlfriend Andrea cleaned up the kitchen, which was completely coated in our hair without complaining or any hint of anger. She is probably the most understanding person I’ve ever known. Our original plan was to stay each night in Seattle with different friends who lived progressively further south but Andrea’s hospitality, excellent sandwich fixins, and ownership of large comfortable couches made us rethink that.

The following morning we ate Hawaiian style burgers and watched the Dawgs pull off a win against UCLA. Later Josh and I went on the creepiest most surreal drug deal I’ve ever been a part of. After getting really high we walked down a dark alley until we noticed a lanky, hunched over, longhaired Asian dude staring at us from a doorway. Without exchanging words he lead us into his bedroom handed me my drugs. We had been told that we would be getting 8 “shroom chocolates” and 10 hits of acid. What he handed me was a small baggie half-filled with shroom shake and another baggie with four sugar cubes individually wrapped in aluminum foil. I had no idea what the going street price acid was and only a vague notion for mushrooms so I ended up paying (140 dollars for what appears to be about 37 dollars worth drugs) about twice their worth. I had no qualms about this however because it was well worth the price to get the fuck out of that place.

Not even a bad drug deal could break our sky-high spirits though, we knew that not everything goes perfectly when you’re road trippin. In fact, it appears that absolutely nothing goes perfectly when you’re road trippin. Luckily our good friend Donny came over and provided us with nearly instantaneous laughs. Around twenty minutes after Donny arrived we began to wonder why he had yet to leave the kitchen or attempt to socialize. We soon discovered that he had come across a few PBR’s and a near empty half-gallon of Southern Comfort then took the liberty of finishing off the stash by himself. In order to get Donny to join the group we offered him a couple Richards, which he took to like a fish to water. No more than five minutes passed before Josh noticed that Donny was starting to turn a lighter shade of pale, a sure warning sign of him losing control of bodily functions, so Josh asked him if he needed to puke. This was apparently the opportunity Donny was waiting for as he proceeded to sprint to the bathroom, push Parker to the side and let loose with a puking session fit for a heroin junkie (link to puke video). That was the last we saw of Donny until we found him sleeping under the table the next morning (link to Donny picture). Unfortunately Donny refused to take us up on our offer of a free seat on the road trip (the trunk).

(Donny's standard conclusion to a night/45 minutes of partying)

Later that night we got insanely high and watched Alice in Wonderland while listening to Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Josh had been saying this way even more crazy than the very underwhelming Wizard of Oz and Dark Side of the Moon combo he had forced us to watch a year ago. Despite smoking about 15 Richards each we both failed to find any correlation between two.

After smoking our entire 3-month weed budget in the first 3 days we decided it was time to keep moving. So we ate some Mexican food and got the fuck out of that place before it sucked away what was left of our spirit.

Also at some point during the weekend I machine-washed my pants, shirts and cell phone.

*The Richard is the most efficient way to smoke weed invented by Corey’s old hippie friend. It consists of taking the smallest amount of weed you can put into a bong without it falling through then smoking the entire thing and keeping the smoke in your lungs until it all saturates into your body and blood stream. The Richard can also refer to pooping in a bucket and throwing it out the window, rolling a joint that only consists of a mushroom stem and most everything else a 50-year-old hippie living in his parents’ basement would do.

**A few weeks ago I (Corey) was walking home from the Northwest YoYo championships when I stumbled upon a going out of business sale at a local Hippie store. Seeing this as a premium place to pick up some road trippin supplies I decided I better check out their wares. The entire store was 2 feet by 4 feet and consisted almost entirely of useless garbage (Cds of bands consisting entirely of tambourines, pictures of fairies, and a strange set of New Kids on the Block action figures). On the way out I noticed a little shabby looking purple bag sitting in the corner. Upon review it turned out the bag contained a set of magic moon beads that can tell you the answer to any yes or no question. So needless to say I bought the beads and pledged my allegiance to them and agreed that I would follow any advice they gave. After telling Spencer about them he agreed that we would make any and all important decisions based on the answer they give.

-Spencer