Jealous Much???

Still slightly hung over at around 5 p.m. we jumped in the stink wagon* and set our sights on Hollywood. We were heading up to see Spencer’s friend Megan, who recently moved to Hollywood to work for the Entertainment Channel and frequently hobnobs with big time movie stars (including such names as Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Robert Deniro, Cheech Marin). We figured that this was our best shot to accomplish a long-standing dream to do coke with John Stamos. Our first celebrity sighting came when we entered Megan’s apartment and met her two rising starlet roommates, Jen and Leah. Keeping with the St Patrick’s Day spirit Megan offered us a Heineken and the opportunity to smoke her out.


*The car is starting to smell pretty strongly like dead cats covered in baby formula.

(The LA gang)

After a few beers and a joint we agreed to go out to their favorite nearby bar to kick off our St. Patrick’s Day festivities. We were unimpressed by the lack of movie stars in the crowd and were forced to use our imaginations and pretend/insist that random people were famous. Pretty soon, however, we were treated to our first brush with stardom in the form of a young man that you will surely recognize from his starring role in a Dorito’s commercial. Although Megan and her roommates strongly urged us not to “embarrass them” by taking pictures of people who “aren’t famous” I was not about to let this opportunity slip through my fingers. After a long struggle I was able to fight my way through the paparazzi and snap some candid photos up close and personal with The Dorito’s Guy.

After a less than successful attempt to sell my photos of The Dorito’s Guy I rejoined the group at the bar. Once we learned that the bar did not sell road trippin friendly Schmidts cans we were forced to rely on other people for drinks. We managed to get pretty drunk by constantly promising to “get the next round.” Later on, Leah’s friend, who bore a striking resemblance to a black guy, joined our party. As I sat and drank my beer I had my first experience as the 6th wheel on a 5-wheeled makeoutmobile. In an attempt to gain favor in the group I employed my favorite old fraternity trick of dumping my beer all over everyone. With my standing in the group at an all time low I decided it was a good time to make some new friends. As I walked up to the bar I spotted two disheveled souls who I first mistook for Tim Meadows and Gene Wilder. After a short discussion about the NCAA tournament they got down to business and offered me a job in what seemed to be some sort of comedy. As we were chatting away Spencer came up and told me that we were leaving. They handed me their business card and told me to call them.


Needless to say, I am very excited about my future with Sheer Audacity! We left the bar early because Leah’s friend had promised to smoke us out with “cali’s finest dro.” We first thought that he meant weed but later learned that he was fucking liar. In fact the only thing we got from him was a debate over which movie was better: South Park or Family Guy. I took the Family Guy position and after a hotly contested debate, which I clearly won, it dawned on me that I had never seen the Family Guy movie. Later that night I had the opportunity to actually watch the Family Guy movie for the first time…and hated it.

The next morning the girls went for a run as we continued our streak of three straight days of waking up and feeling absolutely terrible. Our previous hangover cures of alka-seltzer and Tylenol proved ineffective so we decided to try and smoke the hangover out. This method turned out well for everyone except for me. Aside from intensifying the lingering hangover effects, it put me straight into a nauseous, paranoid coma and ruined all ambition I had for the day. Thanks again weed. My misery was compounded when Megan came home and vetoed our decision of visiting the Librea Tar Pits (awesome, dinosaur-themed attraction) and talked us into spending our day at the Getty Museum (boring old building filled with antique cabinets and sculptures). Besides the fact I wanted to kill myself the entire time I was there the museum was actually really impressive. The trip was highlighted by our favorite exhibit, Zoopsia, a room comprised of paintings and sculptures that represented animal hallucinations. The verdict is still out on my appreciation of art but I can certainly confirm my appreciation of hallucinations.

(Getty Museum)

Our plan for the night was to see a free improv show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Though I had never actually heard of the Upright Citizens Brigade, Spencer was the most excited I’d seen him since he beat that rape charge (thanks again burden of proof!). It turns out that the UCB, as he stupidly calls them, helped form a pretty significant part of his early adolescence (the part which made him weird and friendless). Once the show started I could see why he was so excited, it was the finest improv I’ve ever seen. Everyone in the show was very talented and very funny, even the woman!!! Halfway through the show, what appeared to be a grossly overweight Mexican boondoggler walked onstage, unannounced and probably uninvited. To our amazement, it turned out to be comic superstar/grossly overweight Mexican boondoggler, Mr. Horatio Sanz. He entered gracefully and instantly stole the show with his trademark nonstop uncontrollable giggling. At the end of the show the performers received their payment in the form of free weed, pictures of Bart Simpson sucking his own dick, and a copy of the iron maiden comic which were thrown on stage.

As we were leaving the theatre we ran into the one and only, Bob Odenkirk. You might know Bob as the co-creator of Mr. Show with David Cross or, more likely, this photo:

(Note Spencer’s retardedly ecstatic grin and Bob’s apathetic shrug)

Apparently Bob was filming an episode of his new pilot “Derek and Simon” in the UCB Theatre. Though it was getting late we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be a part of history. We had no idea that we were about to be thrust into the limelight with prominent roles as Audience Members #37 and 38. We quickly took advantage of our camera time to promote the website by yelling http://www.usaroadtrippin.blogspot.com at the camera as it passed us. For marketing reasons we may need to shorten up that URL. After filming the first few scenes it turned into a real life Hollywood bash when Bob unveiled multiple dumpster pizzas and a keg of old Bud Light that he always keeps in the back of his truck. Stars attending the party included Brian Posehn’s boyfriend on The Sarah Silverman Program and some chick from Growing Pains (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0424534/).

(Bob's Party-mobile)

We spent the majority of the night attempting to persuade two strangers, who we called Kegstand Kevin and Kegstand Carl, to stop being pussies and just do a fucking kegstand. After we realized these efforts were futile we just lurked around the keg and tried to get in the background of scenes. Somehow, I scored the enviable role of Guy Pumping the Keg for Simon in the crucial Simon Gets Beer From an Under-Pumped Keg Scene. After five straight takes where I “ruined the scene” by “overacting” they replaced me with that no-talent idiot, Kegstand Carl. My career was all but ruined so I sulked off and eased my pain with my 15th cup of flat Bud Light. Little did I know that I wasn’t the only one in the building whose immeasurable talents were currently being underappreciated by mainstream Hollywood. At that very moment, in walked the Godfather of Comedy, Mr. Saturday Night Live himself, Kegstand Chris Kattan.

I noticed Chris making his way to the keg so I rushed to retake my position as keg pumper. Right as I reached the keg Mr. Peepers extended his cup for a fresh beer. My moment of destiny was upon me and I did not falter. I pumped the shit out of that keg and began the pour of a lifetime, only to be stopped short. Quite a bit short actually, as apparently Chris Kattan only drinks quarter-fills.** This was either due to his professionalism or possibly the fact that snorting a pound of cocaine makes it very hard to judge liquids. He honestly looked like he had been sitting in his basement with his face in a pile of coke since Corkie Romano’s unexpected stumble at the box office. He spent the next two hours completely fucking up his 5 simple lines with some “interesting” adlibbing. At one point Bob Odenkirk was so fed up I thought he might give me my second chance. True to form, though, Chris pulled through and finished his scenes then quickly exited the theater to snort coke in his basement. Before he left, however, we cornered him as he sat alone and forced him to take this life-changing photo:

**Later on Spencer would be verbally accosted for an overzealous half-fill.


Although we failed to accomplish our original goal of doing coke with John Stamos, we were happy to settle for our first big break in Hollywood and a picture with a noticeably coked-up Chris Kattan.

While you wait for our movie to hit the web and catapult us into stardom, here are a couple “Derek and Simon” shorts to wet your appetite:


(A Bee and a Cigarette)



(Pity Card)




-Corey